I can't believe this thing is still here! wow, blast from the past. I mean, it's amazing to read this shit and realize this is how I used to feel or think. Fucking weird.

Okay for those of you who I haven't kept in the know, IE everyone who has this blog in their friends list, here's a... severely shortened update.

I moved out of my moms' place. I quit my job at the Cafe. I now work at Bennigans as a cook. I don't have a girlfriend but I really don't care. There are several girls I'm interested in but right now getting my life on track and finding my next meal is more important.

Questions?

the now infamous Dave Chappelle, or really the words of Rick James, "FUCK YO COUCH NIGGAH!"

Started work at the coffee shop today on a whim, They were one man short, I was hired on the spot. I'm so goddamn tired. I got up this morning at nine, cause I can't seem to sleep durring the day anymore. I blame god and his sick mind games for that. fucking biological alarm clock gets fucking pissed if get into a habbit and don't keep with it. I wake up with fucking headaches, stomach aches, tumors, you name it. One of these days I'll wake up with a bloody nose and soiled sheets from my goddamn clock kicking the shit out of me while I'm asleep.

Fuck that uppity bastard.

So the meaning behind the title is people who won't leave when they hear that the place is closing. go hang out in front or something. We shouldn't have to say "We're closed now, kindly get the fuck out." more than once, twice if someone was in the bathroom.

Bitches.

More on this as it develops.

This is a followup, please read the previous entry first.

I'm not even going to try and sugarcoat this, I came back for a girl. I met her four days before I left, five if you count staring and locking eyes with her for 5 minutes from across the room until she had to go. She's quite a special girl.

I'll just tell you how things went in the days before I left to sorta paint the picture for you.

the day after I saw her I was sitting there at the chess board waiting for a friend to come back and start the game. Out of nowhere she sits down and starts playing. Doesn't say anything, just moves pieces. 5 minutes and she has to get up and clean tables. so I'm thinking, "Awesome , she works here, I know where to find her."

Later she comes back, and she starts explaining strategy to me, thinks I was doing wrong, recalling the positions of pieces from a half an hour ago, and telling ME what MY strategy was. Then she tells me it's her fourth time playing chess.

My jaw was limp, I was only able to say "You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met."

Next night, I go up to the bar, order a coffee and we just stare into eachothers eyes for a half a minute. I eventually made a little sign with my hand indicating I needed a cup, and she offered to let me use her personal cup. All that night she came over to my table every hour or so asking how marvin (the character on the cup) was treating me. Later that night she tells me I can use her cup anytime I want.

So the next night, I'm up there kinda near closing time, she comes up to me looking just a little sad. "Where are you going?" she asks.
"Austin, Texas"
"Why?"
"Because a friend down there needs a roommate and I want to go to university of texas"
"well I guess that's a good reason.... are you ever coming back"
"I'll be back every now and then. hollidays and such"
She picks up the cup and hands it to me then gives me a big hug. "He'll take care of you"
So I look around and I see my cigarette case. I've had this thing for a couple years, I love it for a couple reasons. First because it has a lot of emotional attatchment behind it. Second because it has a goddamn lighter built in.
So I give her this cigarette case, and she starts getting all choked up. Like she really understands what this thing means to me. So at this point I'm tallying up the final score. She's absolutely beautiful, she's intelligent, she's sweet, kind and she obviously likes me a lot. final result, God hates me. Why else would I be in this situation.

So I came back, and unfortunately things haven't gone as smothly as I planned.

The very first thing to fuck it all up for me was while I was gone, she broke up with her boyfriend. as soon as that happened the swarm decended upon her. It's been nearly impossible to get a moment alone with her ever since.

The second was when I was leaving I had a different attitude, a kind of casual attitude of "Well I may never see her again, I don't want to get too attatched, let's keep our distance." but when I came back it was completely different. I was smitten. And I showed it. That was my main problem. It took me a couple weeks to realize why she didn't seem as interested anymore.

When I realized it though, it was like a goddamn cartoon lightbulb, instantly everything clicked. My problem with girls, the reason I always end up friends, all that shit. And in realizing what my problem was I realized how to fix it.

The reason girls seem, not repelled but not attracted to me is that I am boring. That's the simple explanation. But let's look deeper at this. Why am I boring? I'll tell you why. Because I am too easily conquered. I am a sucker for affection, and i don't have a resistance to a womans charms. I play the sweet guy who would do just about anything for her.

THAT IS NO FUN FOR HER!

There's no challenge, nothing to chase, no action, nothing. And I had the balls to be pissy about girls not being interested in me.

So in realizing all this I have realized how to rectify the situation. Not nessisarily with this girl, i've probably screwed it up already with her.

That brings me to realization two.

The reason I do the sweet guy act, the reason for the attatchment, the reason behind just about every problem I have with myself. I have a lack of confidence, I've known this, but given the one piece of puzzle that finally fell into place, everything gained a new perspective, I'm no fun because I'm insecure and needy, and lonely.

That wasn't the realization, that was what the realization changed. THIS was the realization

I.
Don't.
NEED.
Her.

I don't. She's not the only girl in the world, and there's no reason I should hang myself up on something as if it were my only chance. That's the main reason my few chances that have been handed to me have been screwed up. I end up coming across very insecure.

Now, with this mindset, and massively boosted self confidence, I can set about my business convincing girls to chase ME! And if it doesn't work out. Oh well!

NEXT!

Wow I've got a lot to talk about.... jesus. Where was I last time I updated.

Oh right, I had just quit mcdonalds, I was completely miserable, completely emo, a fucking wet noodle of a worthless cunt that couldn't even convince a sexually permiscuous self proclaimed hippy who says "It doesn't matter what it means it's PRETTY" about the word philatio to have sex with me.

Please, hold your applause.

Since then I've gone through a hell of a lot of changes. I won't get into the psychological changes just yet, that'll be an after thought, I'll just chronologically mark my path through the bullshit of the last 8 months, capping it all off with my daring, though poorly planned, attmept to move out.

After I quit mcdonalds I pretty much moped around for a month being pissy about the fact said hippy slut didn't like me the way she insinuated she liked me by the fact she would, in a long less than paper thin skirt and no panties strattle me and layer of clothing aside, ride my dick till the cows came home.

This was a very confusing and traumatizing thing for my feeble and naive mind to go through. Boo fucking hoo. I later grew to dispise this girl though, as you may have noted by the way I refer to her. So enough about that.

after moping around getting yelled at by my mom about not having a job, or a car, or any sort of social life other than online and FFXI, which I played for hours and hours and days and days upon days for weeks to the point it was ALMOST getting to be a problem... almost, I finally got off my ass and got a job. This job was with a Buick, Pontiac, Subaru dealership bodyshop.

I cleaned cars after the body and paint men were done with them, pain in the ass job because of one thing. There really weren't but a few cars on the lot worth more than $40k, and none less than $30.

Don't follow? Allow me to explain. With that kind of price range, and the abundance of "luxury" cars, you get alot of 2 groups. Old, retired people who still refuse to buy anything but american. And, middle aged "Almost rich" people. The people who never quite made it, they can't afford the mercedes-benz, they can't afford the corvette, they can't afford the acura NSX or whatever you will. They're not rich and they're appearently not happy about that. So they take it out on everyone else every chance they get, every time something doesn't go their way, every time there's a scratch, or anything else that could be considered "less than perfect."

And it all came back to me. I'm the last person to deal with the car before it's given to the customer, so therefor the spotting of problems, and the overall perfection of the cars was in MY hands. And if things WEREN'T perfect... guess who took the heat. "They never would've noticed it if there wasn't so much dust," "They never would've noticed it if you'd gotten it clean like you're supposed to" "They never would've noticed if you had've put some elbow grease into it." all excuses for how shitty their workmanship was. I ended up going down over a piece of glass in some bitches ash tray. Their fucking ash tray for christs sake. Less than a little toe nail sized piece of glass.

So I moved on. Annother month of doing nothing but playing FFXI. Don't ask why, the idea of sitting indoors playing video games just seemed a great deal more appealing than the idea of finding a job at the time. Regardless of the fact I was running out of money, and fast.

So after that month I went out job hunting for 2 days and found a job at a tent rental company, for parties and events. We also rented party shit like drink fountains, chairs, tables, the shit you put food in to keep it hot, shit like that. That was a decent job, got me outside, got a lot of exercise, and above all, the boss was cool.

That job gave you alot of room, alot of freedom for how to do things. Alot of our stuff looked like shit so the boss wasn't too stressed about it if the customer wasn't entirely happy with it. As a matter of fact, she would more often take up for us than complain to us if a customer complained. A happy workforce is a productive work force. And we got our shit done so she didn't give us shit. Awesome little peace keeping arrangment we had going on there.

So, you may be inclined to ask why I say "was" if this job was so awesome. Here begins the fun part of the story.

My mother wanted me to move out, so knowing I had no chance of supporting myself in full on the jobs I could get with my references, I started looking for roommates. When local contacts dried up, I turned to my internet friends. I found one person who I was not at the time familiar with, at least not on a level that the friendship could possibly be fucked up by meeting, or living togther. Sort of a clean slate situation. He lived in austin texas, which, to the best of my knowledge, is a decent town. Decent apartment, great rent, plenty of jobs, I'm fucking there.

so I started saving my money up, whatever I could save was saved, Bought a car, with registration and the insurance it ended up totaling $800, then set about my task of saving up enough for the gas for the trip, the first months rent, and a few weeks worth of food. I had a major setback when I lost $300. Just vanished. Fucking dropped it out of my back pocket or something like that. Not sure. Set me back 2 weeks.

So I got up the money minus rent, because by being set back 2 weeks, my insurance had rolled over again and cost me an extra $150. Total BS, nothing was working out like I wanted. But I kept on with my plan. I wasn't going to let anything stop me this time. I've made enough plans and had enough of them fall through completely to know that if I don't make it work, it won't. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong and all that bullshit. So I kept with it. Moving day came and I hadn't packed anything. I threw everything together and stacked it into my car in a way that would make a navy chief proud. The rear of the car rode 6 inches lower than normal at that point.

I headed south down I-95 toward jacksonville; my first stop on this adventure, to see a friend of mine I've been promising to see for years. I was driving at night to keep myself cool without having to run the AC. Turns out that's not the only reason I had for driving at night. As soon as day hit My car started to overheat, badly. I ended up blowing both head gaskets 50 miles south of Savannah Georgia. Needless to say this put a bit of a krimp in my plans.

I called a few people and got my name on my grandmothers AAA card. They sent a tow truck out and I found out that AAA will not cover you for more than 5 miles for the first week of your membership. I work out a deal with the driver. For ten dollars he takes me to the nearest garage that will buy my car. I only got $50 for it but it wasn't even worth that at that point.

2 head gaskets is a $1500 dollar job, at least. The car was $400, the transmission got worse durring the time I had it, and, obviously, so did the cooling system. So the money to fix it, barring the fact that it wasn't there, would have been far more than what the car itself was worth.

My friend in jacksonville offered to come pick me and some of my stuff up. It was a small car though so we couldn't fit much of it in there. On top of that, when we told the guy we'd be back around 10 to pick the rest up, he said "Well I'm going to be moving the car into storage in my junk yard, and i'm not liable for anything that might get stolen while it's in there." which basicly meant, "Woohoo, free TV."

Asshole.

So we packed a few more things in her car, being mindful of the fact her boyfriend was currently late to work I expedited the process by prioritizing items in order from most valuble to least valuble and bid a fond farewell to the rest. The problem is, most valuble was calculated by MONITARY value, not sentimental. I had been up for over 24 hours, and the last 4 of those were spent standing in a 120 heat index with nothing but some similarly heated bottles of gatorade and pringles so my mind wasn't exactly functioning properly. I left so much stuff in that car it's not even funny. One of the things that comes immediately to mind is my clothes, which were in plastic bags in the floor of the back seat of my car, NOT in the luggage that I got packed into my friends car. My Ash tray that I got while I was in england. My favorite pair of shoes. I almost left my nodachi but she made me bring it along.

I slept in her car the entire trip to her place with an 80 pound monitor in my lap digging into whatever organs it could find. Then when we got there, after discussing what I could do and hanging out for a bit talking, I passed out on her spare bed for 20 hours or more. I had an entire conversation with her while I was asleep in which I asked for some wendys chillie. I only know this because it was sitting there when I woke up.

I deliberated heavily between the idea of coming home or going to austin from there. I had enough money for a bus ticket and shipping for most of my stuff. Austin was going to be more expensive, being that it was 1000 miles as opposed to the 600 miles to Virginia Beach. I won't go into the exact reason I decided to go home just yet, but I did.

I got on a bus, gave Cora my last $260 to ship what she could and came home. When I got here, the first thing I did was go hang out at casas, my favorite coffee shop. stayed till closing moping over all the stuff I'd lost, only to find out someone had stolen my cel phone and my mp3 player.

... hell of a way to end the trip eh?


To be continued.

Jesus.... I can't believe I wrote this shit... I can't believe anyone read it.

Hi everyone. I'm not the asshat that created and "maintained" this journal for..... however long it's been.

more updates to come later today as I sit at a computer being paid $11 an hour to do nothing.

Got a couple great preasents this year. Bailies Irish Cream, and some Wild Turkey: Rare Breed.

Other than that, sweaters, shirts, a jacket, gloves and candy.

Got to hang out with my dad too. I haven't done that in a while.

mood

that is all.

explanation later if anyone cares to hear it.

My brother, Rider, stole Sarah's ex's leatherman. I've never been so proud. Truely. And now I'm stealing it from him; I hate Dane more than he does.

http://www.sae-la.com/

This is my only reason for living. This course, and the jobs that will follow, they are the only reason i get up in the morning. This is what I've dreamed about before I knew it was what I wanted to do. I don't know how much it costs. I don't know how long it'll take me to get there and get started. I don't care. I'm going to do it. No matter what.

Music will alwayse be the biggest part of who I am. I was raised by music, I was raised on music, I have lived with it my entire life, depended on it to get me through the rough spots, and to make the best times even better. This is how I will repay my debt. I will help create the music my children will listen to. I am going help raise someone else's children. I'm going to be there when someone is lonely and needs a friend. I am going to help make someone's life better.

When I think about that, how can I refuse? How can I give anything but my all? If not more? I can't. And I won't. I will pour every ounce of energy I have into this. From the moment I step out the door looking for work tomorrow, till the moment I die.

Wish I knew a song to fit the occasion. But I don't listen to emo, so fuckit.

Sarah ain't happnenin'. She has made that pain fully clear. "We've been friends for too long; it'd be too weird."

Annother page I wish I could tear out of the shitty, shitty story of my life.

I was bored.

You scored as Sloth. </td> Sloth 94% Pride 69% Envy 50% Wrath 44% Lust 38% Gluttony 38% Greed 6% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

Fuck them right in their stupid asses. I'm not sticking around to become a manager of a place that supports a manager that will call one of their crew "sorry" for not being the best person they ever had on a position the first day they work it non-stop.

I think I kept up pretty goddamn well. Fuckin bitch.

*near the end of my shift after hearing her talk shit about how bad my times were and all that behind my back*

me: "here, I'm sorry about the wait." (some of the things that went on the item hadn't been cooked yet, and that was being handled by 2 other guys.

Charro the manager. "Oh you are sorry. You're right about that, you are sorry."

Fuck her and her piece of shit wasted life.

Day off, I went to get my moms car after work since she'll be at work all weekend and I have monday off to go pick her up. Jeremy shows up an hour and fifteen minutes late to get me. But whatever. Didn't bother me much.

We go pick up my moms car and go to my dads house to hang out a bit. When we show up, there's this dude, Alex, standing right across the street. I've met him a few times, been to one of his parties, cool dude. And then my friend mark pulled up. After a minute or 2 of talking, I find out he's moved in to this monsterous house, and he'll be living there alone until january when his brother moves in. On top of that he's throwing a housewarming party and, since I'm over 21, I offered to get beer.

We hung out and had a few drinks. And we met this girl named Laura. very cool person. We hung out on the back balcony for a while talking, and then she decided she'd sing a song for us, and blew me away. Absolutely beautiful singing voice. Fucking amazing. She sings Jazz. So I went across the street to grab a guitar, I played and she sang for about 30 seconds before that guitar got yanked out of my hands and some dumbfucks started playing metallica and slipknot on it. It's a fucking acoustic 12 string, and these fucktards are playing slipknot on it. So she got up and appearently left, and so did Jeremy. Though he didn't really leave so much as just disappear.

I waited around for his ass for 3 hours, not a sign of him or her. I wanted to get her number so we could play some music together. But oh well.


A day later when I actually get around to finishing this, I find out Jeremy hooked up with her, so I'm not pissed off about it anymore. And I can get her number from him.

the other day before work I wrote an entry introducing the managers. but LJ had to be a dick and tell me that their server was in "read only status" at the moment. and then not let me go back to what I had written so I could save it. This pissed me off. And now I don't rightly feel like writing it all over again. So I'll shorten it.

Jody. Status: head manager. Dick.

Carolina. Status: First Assistant/second in command. childlike and sometimes bitchy.

Michelle. Status: Manager. Fat bitch with a few teeth missing.

Charro. Status: Manager. Fat annoying bitch.

April. status: assistant manager. Awesome person, polite, calm, and sweet. My favorite manager.

I don't even care to introduce the grunts anymore. It's my day off no matter what the messages left on my machine said this morning. I'd like to think about work as little as possible.

Shattered

They finally picked up my month old request for full time.

oh well... I'll be able to afford an Ipod... maybe.

No Full-time schedule. Thank God I suppose. I haven't even bothered to go out and look for a new job. If ever I'm home, I'm either with Sarah, or playing video games.

Currently beating the shit out of DOA Ultimate. So much better than DOA 2. Graphics are phenominally improved, even over 3.

No time to make a full entry. Gotta shave and shower.

a full time schedule. Finally. woo. hurray..... fuck ;_;

This is going to kill me, it really will. I'm going to have to get up at 2 in the morning, and seeing as I've always been a night owl till now that means I'm going to get so little fucking sleep. When I get very little sleep I start getting depressed, OR I'll start going crazy and homocide becomes a perfectly logical way to end my employment with these shitlicks. I need a new job. And fast.

It's funny, I never have a problem dealing with being at work when I'm at work, it's when I get home and particularly just before work that I start to hate myself for getting dressed up to go out job hunting and walking in mcdonalds for the hell of it. I could kick myself in the nuts with an iron cleat right now for walking in those front doors, and even moreso for deciding to ask them for full time... which they're going to give me. I disgust myself.

If I don't do something about this shit soon, I'll collapse under the weight of all those shitty paper thin burgers I've cooked like feathers on a camels back, I don't know when the countdown started, I don't know how many I have left to go, I just know there are only a certain ammount of burgers I can deal with in a specific time period before I snap.

So yeah, pig fuckers.

The Day After Tomorrow was pretty good. The bit with the supercooled air was quite awesome. Everything happened way too fast, but it's a movie, who cares. The LA tornadoes were tight. I'd love to see that or something similar happen to LA. they never even have rain for God's sake.

I need a hug.

1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.
I love music, all kinds.

2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
I'm bored.

3. What is your biggest fear?
Commitment... at least I'm being honest.

4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
Shortcut. I'm lazy.

5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
Sarah.

6. What is your most treasured possession?
Oddly, a ciggarette case my ex gave me. I never go anywhere without it. It doesn't even have any smokes in it. It's just very special to me.

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
Choke when I should be telling people what I REALLY mean to say right to their face.

8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
I have a big dick.

9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
I'm strait.

10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
I have a big dick.

11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
Snowboarding.

12. Are you the jealous type?
I can be. But generally no. Depends on circumstance.

13. What is the one person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
There isn't one that I know of, and if there is, I haven't met her yet. I'm quite sure it's a beautiful woman if it exists.

14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Loved me.

15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
Quit my job.

16. When was the last time you cried?
god.... years ago, when I was living in this place called sandbridge durring the winter for a cheap winter rental deal. There are only two roads out of that place, one is absolute suicide to walk, the other is absolutely illegal as it runs through an naval amphib base. That place was like a prison.

17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
Never really, other things have always mattered.

18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
I have a chest hairier than any 70's porn star. No.

19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.
made a very horrible sculpty ashtray and threw up. That's about it.

20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?
Yes.


I was bored. Anyway. The actual update. I have a new bed. A couchbed. It kicks ass. That is all. pictures later maybe.

Huge update here. I'm going to be an uncle. My sister is having a kid.

My sister is 16 but she's very mature mentally. The father is her boyfriend of 2 years. He's the same age as her only a few months older. He's a cool guy, I like him alot, and he likes all of us so I feel ok about it on that end.

I'm going to be the cool uncle, y'know the one who corrupts the kid from the sidelines.

more on this as it develops.